5 for 5

This week Kim and I celebrated 5 years of marriage and as I reflect on these past 5 years here are 5 things I have learned thus far:

#1 Leave Them Behind 🧳

A man leaves his father and mother and is united to his wife, and they become one flesh.

–Genesis 2:24

In the first two years of our marriage I had to learn how to put my marriage ahead of my blood relatives. This was the biggest learning curve for me because I come from a tight knit family, I'm also not ashamed to admit I’m somewhat of a mama's boy. My blood relatives are the only people I have known to love and trust. But all of a sudden marriage changed that whole perspective because I had to learn to put my wife first before my blood family. That was a hard shift and it created tension in the first few years of our marriage.

One of the things that helped me prioritize my marriage was Genesis 2:24, A man leaves his father and mother and is united to his wife, and they become one flesh. I really felt like the verse was for me during those early years . In order for me to fully embrace this marriage that God had called me into, I had to leave my family behind me and put my wife ahead of them. I’ll never forget the words my pastor at the time, John Rice, said to me, “who are you willing to disappoint, your family or your wife—the woman you will go home to every day.” Even now I think about those words and it helps me prioritize my wife above anyone else. The second thing that helped me prioritize my marriage was when our son Josiah was born. That was when things got reale. Having a kid will definitely do that to you. Through the birth of Josiah, God was showing me he was starting a new family tree.

#2 Fight Fair 🥊

Be quick to listen, slow to speak, slow to anger. –James 1:19

Every couple fights and every marriage goes through its own troubles. In 2017, we were blessed to have met Steven and Kerley because, not only did they introduce us to other married couples who would have an impact on us, but they also taught us about the Imago Dialogue.

Imago Dialogue is made up of three steps: mirroring, validating and empathizing. The dialogue first begins by the sender (the speaking partner) asking for an appointment to speak on a certain topic. For example, the sender might say something like “I would like to talk about why the clothes aren’t folded. Is now a good time?” This honors the receivers (the listening partner) boundaries and emotional availability. It’s also okay if the receiver declines but it’s important to set a time when you will be available. The dialogue then begins by the sender sharing their thoughts and feelings on the topic. The receiver listens to the sender and then mirrors the message back, word for word using a lead sentence like:

“I heard you say its important for you to have the laundry folded . Did I get that right?”

In those early years of marriage I remember trying to match Kim’s tone. If she was loud then I was going to be loud. Then all of a sudden in our small apartment, it would turn into a shouting match where neither of us was listening but reacting. Imago has taught us to fight fair and truly listen to what the other is saying. It reminds me of the verse Be quick to listen, slow to speak, slow to anger. I’ll be honest, listening while you're frustrated and angry is hard, and it's still something we are practicing but we know it’s essential in understanding one another better.

#3 Love The Stranger 🤨

Love one another just as I have loved you. –John 15:12

Duke University’s Professor Stanley Hauerwas made the famous statement: “You never marry the right person.” As you may have guessed, Hauerwas’s statement turned a lot of heads, and that was to be expected. But he clarifies this by explaining how marriage changes us, “we are not the same person after we have entered it.''The person you marry will not be the same person five and ten years into marriage. People change “just give it a while and he or she will change'' emotionally, physically, mentally and spiritually (Hauerwas). Marriage changes you and you can’t exactly know what those changes will be or what your spouse will be like in the future. Therefore, we find ourselves married to somewhat of a stranger. Professor Hauerwas concludes his statement by stating the obvious solution, is ‘‘Learning how to love and care for the stranger whom you find yourself married to.”

Over these past 5 years Kim and I have gone through seasons where we’ve had to learn to love and care for “the stranger.” We’ve both changed so much from when we first met at 18, to making our vows, and having kids. But change has also meant growth within our marriage and a stronger bond. No pain, no gain they say.

I always think marriage is such a great example of the gospel. Jesus loved us at our best and he loved us at our worst. The Hebrew scriptures say, "He is the Father of lights, with whom there is no variation or the slightest hint of change." And although we change, God's love for us does not alter. Learning to love the stranger is a great illustration of the love God has for us and it’s the same love we need to show our spouse, despite the changes that will occur over the years.

#4 Speak my language 🗣

If I speak in the tongues of men and of angels, but I do not have love, I am a noisy gong or a clanging cymbal. –1 Corinthians‬ ‭13:1‬

I remember when I thought I was the husband of the year! I cleaned the house, washed the dishes, cooked dinner, bathed the kids and put them down for bed. Surely my wife would think I am the GOAT husband (Greatest Husband of All Time). As I sat down next to Kim on the couch, ready for her to sing my praises, she looked at me and said, “I feel like you didn’t show me any love today.” My jaw dropped. Hold that thought, we’ll come back to that story.

In Gary Chapman’s book The 5 Love Languages, Chapman believes there are five emotional love languages that people use to speak and receive love. These five love languages are:

1. Words of affirmation

2. Quality time

3. Receiving gifts

4. Acts of service

5. Physical touch

Chapman believes everyone has an emotional love tank and how we fill that tank is through these five love languages. We each have our primary love languages to communicate love.

We have come to learn that my primary love language is words of affirmation. I love when Kim uses words that build me up like:

“You look sharp in that suite.”

“You’re a great husband.”

“I feel like I can count on you.”

This is how I receive love. But Kim’s love language is physical touch. She feels most loved by me when we hold hands, hug or cuddle.

Now back to my quest of trying to be the greatest husband of all time. Although Kim appreciated my acts of service, of cleaning the house and putting the kids down, her emotional love tank was still empty. I was speaking the wrong love language to Kim. She would rather I cuddle and hold her rather than make sure the house is clean or the kids are down.

In Paul’s letter to the church of Corinth he told the church that even if he could speak elegantly in the tongues of “angels” but if he did not practice love then his words were like a “a noisy gong” or in other words pointless. I’ve come to know Kim’s love language, buts it’s still something I need to put into practice. Believe it or not I’ve actually had to set reminders on my phone that says “show Kim love.” Learning a new language isn’t easy and it takes practice. But to be effective communicators of love, we must learn to speak our spouses’ primary love language.

#5 Day by Day ☀️

His mercies begin afresh each morning.

–‭‭Lamentations‬ ‭3:23

Marriage is a journey and the destination is a lifetime. How do we get to a lifetime of marriage? Day by day. That’s what a friend who has been married for 42 years told me. Marriage is hard, it’s not perfect all the time, fights and strange nights happen but we get through it one day at a time. Things may not look bright one day but you have to hope that the next day will be better, if not that day, the day after, and the day after that. You get the point. Keeping hoping and believing for a better day.

Each day is an opportunity to show new mercies. Arthur C. Brooks, professor at Harvard Business School and host of The Atlantic podcast How to Build a Happy Life said “a key facet of the happiest people is forgiveness. The happiest people forgive others and ask for forgiveness.” Our pride often keeps us from asking for forgiveness, I know certainly for me it does. So how do we combat our pride? With humility. We can’t erase the past but we can certainly admit our wrong, ask for forgiveness and act differently in the future.

On the other hand, if my spouse has asked for forgiveness then I have two options, “justice or forgiveness,” I can choose to pay them back for the wrong they’ve done or choose to forgive and restore intimacy (Chapman). Forgiveness is a choice to show mercy. I’m grateful for the countless times Kim has chosen to show me mercy in marriage. I am learning this is one of the biggest expressions of love, to forgive just as we have been forgiven.